


Our Sad, Sorry Interpersonal Relationships

by LandOfMistAndSecrets



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alpha Session, Established Relationship, First Time, Frustrating Teens Being Frustrating People, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Smut, So Much Teen Drama, pesterlogs, teen drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-08
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-06-07 01:06:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6778792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LandOfMistAndSecrets/pseuds/LandOfMistAndSecrets
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'm starting to get the impression that you aren't taking this very seriously," Dirk says, and the way his eyebrows pinch together is not a good sign. Jake's been earning a lot of pinched-eyebrows, lately. He is starting to wonder if maybe he isn't a very good boyfriend. A good boyfriend would be less exhausted at the prospect of spending more time with the object of their affection. A better boyfriend would have found some way by now to leverage that time into fewer planetary expeditions and more explorations of a more personal and intimate nature. </p><p>Set about 6 weeks into the alpha session. I thought a bit about how Roxy said the "writing was on the wall" with these two from the start and what the earlier days must have been like. And then promptly wrote like twelve thousand words where half is just shameless smut so hey ENJOY</p>
            </blockquote>





	Our Sad, Sorry Interpersonal Relationships

Being someone's boyfriend, Jake reflects, is an awful lot of frigging work. 

Dirk is bent over a slab of rock, pointing at various marks he's made on a map they've been putting together, trying to figure out just how deep the tunnels dug throughout their planets go. He is fairly sure they are meant to expedition right to the center of them, eventually, and while Jake can admit that at _first_ the idea had been exciting, the whole thing sort of rapidly lost its luster after it became clear there were _hundreds_ of entrances and most were dead ends. Dead ends with hefty grist caches to plunder most of the time, true, but there were only so many grist-filled chests one could open before the thrill faded somewhat. Not to mention the hordes of undead. They are persistent little buggers and don't even seem to drop much loot, especially considering the effort required to keep them all at bay. 

The whole thing has gotten a little exhausting honestly. And repetitive. Sometimes he wishes he could just beg off this draining buddy-also-boyfriend time altogether and spend a day or two on his own, with no obligation to entertain or be entertained by anyone. And sometimes, times exactly like these, Jake just wishes they could talk less about the _plan_ and more about... well. Other things. Interesting things. 

For instance: at this very moment Dirk is studying some squiggle or another and droning on and on in that blathering lecture-voice he has, and Jake is completely tuning him out in favor of noticing the pleasing slope his shoulders make, the smooth bands of muscle taut along his upper arms, the way his collar bones are just barely poking out from under the neckline of his shirt. They could maybe talk about those things, some more. A little smirk pulls at his lips as he imagines circling around to stare from the other side. Like he could ever get away with it; Dirk would just spin right around with him and demand to know what the hell he's doing, but this is a fantasy, dag nab it, and fantasy Dirk stays put. Fantasy Dirk keeps right on blathering and doesn't mind at all that Jake isn't answering or even listening, really, and oh, right, fantasy Dirk also has an attractive backside and his shirt is sort of hanging loose around his middle... 

"Jake." 

Oh, crackers. 

Jake clears his throat and adopts his most innocent expression. Dirk, of course, is not even remotely fooled. 

"Are you even listening to me?" Dirk straightens up, dusts his hands off on his jeans. And there's no two ways about it; Dirk Strider really is a good looking fellow. Jake has never been anyone's boyfriend before this, granted, but it's been a few weeks now and he's sort of wondering when more of the boyfriend- _specific_ parts of the arrangement are going to come into play. They've shared a few awkward kisses here and there, even gotten a bit handsy now and again, but the things Jake really wants to do are a little more... involved. 

Dirk doesn't look particularly amorous at the moment, though, so he keeps a tight lid on that and grins. 

"Of course I'm listening, what do you take me for? We've got to find the, uh, whatsit that connects to the that-there and probably climb down an awful load of creepy staircases into the bowels of blah-de-blah it's all the same as the last plan we went over, isn't it?" 

"I'm starting to get the impression that you aren't taking this very seriously," Dirk says, and the way his eyebrows pinch together is not a good sign. Jake's been earning a lot of pinched-eyebrows, lately. He is starting to wonder if maybe he isn't a very good boyfriend. A good boyfriend would be less exhausted at the prospect of spending more time with the object of their affection. A better boyfriend would have found some way by now to leverage that time into fewer planetary expeditions and more explorations of a more personal and intimate nature. 

Dirk's face is taking on an absolutely thunderous quality, and Jake realizes he wants a response.

"I'm taking it very seriously!" Jake crosses his arms. Dirk's expression doesn't change, naturally. Would it kill him to give him some sort of visual cue? "Maybe it's just that I am a man of _action_ , Strider, have you considered that?" 

"Right, I forgot. You'd rather just blunder into dead ends all day long, so long as you get to wrestle a few monsters and open a treasure chest at the end. Who cares about advancing our quests?" 

"Our _quests,_ " Jake groans. "We aren't even actually sure what they all are! And all this endless plotting and planning and going on and on about _theories_ you have -- it never matters! At the end of the day we're going to be down in some gassy shaft or another scrapping with an unholy fuckton of rattly skeletons, probably, and that's that!" 

"Well," Dirk says, voice flat, "sorry for boring you." 

"I would accept your apology, except I suspect it's not altogether sincere?" Jake has fallen for that one before. Not this time. 

"If you're not into this, we can just cancel. Take a rain check. Whatever." 

Jake dearly wishes that Dirk's expression wasn't so darn _unreadable_ all the time. Is that sarcastic? He is probably annoyed. That seems to be his default state, lately. Jake sighs, loudly, lets his arms drop and his shoulders droop. The thought of getting out of this is tantalizing in its sweetness, but even Jake can tell that Dirk's feelings are a little bruised.

"It's not that I don't want to spend time with you," he says, trying to be reassuring. 

Dirk tilts his head, just a tiny bit. His lips twitch. He seems about to say something, but apparently elects not to because no words come out. Jake clears his throat. 

And Dirk decides to speak, after all. 

"I didn't actually think that you... didn't? Until just now." Dirk is holding himself very, very still. Jake's stomach sinks. "Is there a problem, Jake?" 

"No! And -- stop acting like the things I say mean the opposite of what I said. I do want to spend time with you. It's just maybe I'm a little tired of spending every day in the hellish depths of our respective dead planets?" 

"All right," Dirk shrugs. "What would you rather do?" 

Oh, Christ. So many things, Jake thinks. Most of them involve retreating back to Dirk's room, dimming the lights, putting on a movie and then proceeding to only half-watch said movie because at some point they become distracted with each other, instead. So it probably shouldn't be a very good one, which makes choosing kind of difficult because there are really very few movies he doesn't think are at least a little good. And -- Dirk is staring at him very expectantly, eyebrows up in little arches well over the rims of his silly pointy glasses. Jake feels his face heat up. 

"We could... watch a movie?" He can't bring himself to describe the full range of the idea. It would be better to just get that part going naturally once they're there, probably. 

Dirk raises a hand and presses it to his forehead, shaking his head in mute disapproval. Jake's stomach does a funny little dip. It's a bit surprising how disappointed he feels. 

"You and those fucking movies, Jake," Dirk mutters. "Unbelievable. What happened to loving adventure?" 

"I _do_ love adventure! I just also happen to love movies! And a little bit of frigging quiet and relaxation now and then, is that so wrong?" 

Dirk stares at him, sort of unnervingly still for a long minute until Jake is just about to ask him if he blew a circuit like one of his pushy robots or something -- but then he shrugs and bends to roll up the map. 

"That's fine. Go relax." 

"Now, hold on a minute, Dirk--" 

"No, I get it. I know I'm not exactly conducive to quiet, restful evenings, so I'll leave you to it." Dirk isn't looking at him, anymore, just rolling up that _stupid_ map, and then he tucks it away somewhere near his belt and turns to go. Jake swallows, wanting to call him back, because it's obvious that they aren't exactly parting on good terms and that's not great. But instead he just watches Dirk as he marches all the way back to the gate -- he doesn't look back even once -- and then disappears. Probably back to LOTAK.

And with him gone, it's _very_ quiet, indeed. 

Maybe he needs some advice.

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--  
  
GT: Ahoy there!  
GT: It occurred to me i havent heard much from the ladies side of this whole shindig in a bit so i hope youve been doing well.   
GT: Who am i kidding of course you are.   
GT: Why youve probably pulled in more grist these past weeks than we have and thats saying a lot because boy it sure feels like weve done nothing but scrum with nigh invincible skeleton creatures and open treasure chests since we got all settled in here.   
GT: Which youd really think would be more compelling and at first i guess it was but its all gotten a little samey dont you think?  
GT: Ah hell what am i saying.  
GT: Youre probably busy having a grand time pulling in all sorts of fine spoils and here i am just complaining.   
GT: Never you mind me janey. Say hi to roxy for me will you?   
GG: Oh, Jake!  
GG: No, wait. I'm here!  
GT: So you are!   
GG: We're doing... fine, I guess! Just fine. You know, I had no idea Roxy knew her way around such impressive weaponry.   
GG: Even after all this time it can be a little startling.  
GT: Her equipment is fairly flashy isnt it? I have to say i prefer my pistols.   
GT: Sure theyre more of a bother on the reloading front but it makes you er think a bit about where youre aiming instead of...   
GG: I was worried, at first. But you might be surprised! Her marksmanship has improved tremendously since... well, you know.   
GT: Oh yes. Fewer nips off the bottle and all that.   
GG: Mm.   
GG: Anyway. It's nice to hear from you. We were starting to worry a little? We should get together soon! We have so many new recipes to share, and I'm sure you do too.   
GG: Or, formulas, I suppose. Roxy calls them formulas, but I still think I prefer recipes!  
GG: Maybe we'll hit upon something useful if we combine our discoveries?  
GG: Or maybe we shouldn't be using so much grist just experimenting this way. Hoo.   
GT: Dirk says hes sure we ought to be saving more but our situation demands a certain investment to get us into proper scrumming shape and whatnot. So dont feel too bad.   
GG: Yes. Of course. Dirk is basically the final authority on all things, isn't he?   
GT: Well he is our leader eh?   
GG: Did we decide that?   
GG: Hmm.   
GT: Er...  
GG: Nevermind. He's probably right. That is certainly one of his more endearing, not frustrating at all qualities. Hoo yes.   
GG: Anyway!  
GG: All that to say we're doing as well as I think can be hoped.   
GT: Thats great to hear jane just great.   
GT: I didnt doubt it for a moment.   
GT: Really i just wish i could say the same. But things being as they are i just cant.   
GG: Oh no.   
GG: Let me guess.   
GG: You are having Dirk problems.  
GT: Yes im afraid so. Worse than usual even! Jane i think i really stepped in it this time and im not sure how to proceed.   
GG: You don't say.   
GT: You know how Dirk can be. Its like this whole grist collection thing is a personal challenge and as with all challenges hes decided to take it head on.   
GT: Which is admirable really but also exhausting.   
GT: What with being dragged along behind all the time and such.   
GG: Jake.   
GG: I've told you before. You aren't obligated to do anything you don't want.   
GT: Oh yes of course. Thats... well see thats where it gets even more complicated!  
GG: Of course it does.   
GT: Its like the only choices i have are to go along with his dungeon delving shenanigans or just not spend time with him at all!   
GT: And boy fucking howdy he gets tchy as all friggin hell when he thinks i dont want to spend time with him even when thats not even true. I just want to spend time doing other things sometimes maybe?   
GG: I see.   
GT: Its like he wont even let me get a word in edgewise either.   
GG: How very interesting.   
GT: I guess im just not very good at making myself understood. Or maybe hes just not very good at understanding? Its probably a bit of both if im being honest but the bottom line jane is its damn tiresome.   
GG: I'm sorry things aren't going well.   
GT: You dont think they are?   
GG: ...You just described to me, in detail, how they are not!  
GT: Oh! Huh. I guess i did.   
GT: Well frig now i feel bad!   
GT: I dont want you thinking its all bad because of course its not. Weve had some good times too. Plenty of good times. Its been great being able to spend time with my best bro. Um and also boyfriend of course.   
GG: Yes. That is indeed a thing you are!  
GT: Yeah it is. You know its strange jane but i always feel a little better talking to you about these sorts of things even if im mostly just venting a bit. Youre always so understanding and im really grateful for that.   
GG: Sure.   
GG: That's what friends are for, Jake.   
GT: Thats true! And that sure makes you a model friend.   
GG: How... lovely!   
GT: Its just the truth. But as welcome and pleasant as all this commiseration is i dont suppose you might have any advice for a clueless chap down on his game so to speak?   
GG: Oh boy.   
GT: Maybe theres some angle to this i havent considered that you have.   
GG: Okay.   
GG: Here's what I think.   
GG: I think you should tell him everything you've just told me.   
GT: What!  
GT: Oh no jane i couldnt possibly do that!  
GT: Good christ you know dirk hed just take the worst way possible and those fucking glasses of his would probably twist it all around to make it sound even worse and before you know it hes decided i want to break up and its all just gone to hell!  
GG: Then by all means, continue not to talk to him.   
GG: Let him assume whatever he likes!  
GG: Why not.   
GG: What could possibly go wrong.   
GT: You think?   
GG: Jake.   
GT: Im not sure thats really the best course either though it would certainly be easiest...  
GG: I'm going to go now.   
GT: Oh. Yes ive kept you for a bit now havent i? What a cad i am. No doubt youve important business to tend to on... LOPAN? LOCAH?   
GG: LOPAN, and yes. I do. If you ever wanted to, I don't know-- augh. No, nevermind.   
GG: Just, nevermind.   
  
\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] \--  
  
GT: Well shit.   


\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--  
  
TG: diiirrrk  
TG: dirk i s2g   
TG: what happened this time  
TT: Nothing happened.   
TT: What do you mean, "this time?"   
TG: ok well janes over there with this look on her face that can mean only 1 thing  
TG: and that thing is  
TG: shes been hella english'd :(  
TT: I don't see how that's my problem.   
TG: pfft  
TG: r u tellin me this aint got nothin to do with you cause if so   
TG: imma have to call u out buster  
TT: Roxy.   
TT: I'm really not in the mood.  
TT: I'm sorry Jane's upset. But, contrary to I guess what some people apparently believe, I don't control Jake's every word and fucking thought.  
TG: what the f happened??   
TG: did you boys have a lil scuffle  
TG: sure sounds like you might have gotten in one of them scrum thangs   
TG: and not the fun wrestlin sort of way im sure youve been all kinds of looking forward to neither  
TT: Is that supposed to be funny?   
TG: hell yes  
TT: It's not.   
TG: im freakin hilarious and you know it  
TG: youre just in a shit mood because you had a fight with your bf  
TG: which is understandable really  
TG: cause your bf is jake english and holy shit dirk he is so fuckin dumb sometimes i just wanna  
TG: u know  
TG: slap around his hella fine face  
TG: bet u do 2  
TG: its ok you can admit it   
TG: i wont tell no one  
TG: diiirrrrk talk damn you i WILL hunt u down  
TG: dont test me  
TG: put me on the prowl  
TG: get it its like a cat thing mreow ;)   
TG: ok  
TG: LOTAK rite  
TG: im on my way  
TT: God damn it.   
TT: We didn't fight.   
TT: Not really.   
TG: oh rly  
TT: It was more like Jake expressed some basic and probably extremely reasonable wishes, and I reacted like a fuckin' asshole.   
TG: oh ho   
TG: i highly doubt parts of that but go on  
TT: That's really all there is to it.   
TG: what did he "express" as u so deftly put it  
TT: A -- again, completely reasonable -- desire to take a day off from the whole adventuring gig.   
TG: ooh, english turning down adventure? fuckin scandalous  
TT: Yeah.   
TT: Leave it to me to ruin his favorite things for him.   
TG: oh stoppp lmao i swear   
TG: listen ur right about 1 thing dirk and thats you need to learn to R-E-L-A-X  
TG: chill out  
TG: sometimes a day offs just a day off  
TG: aint gotta be nothing more than that  
TG: and it dont hafta mean your ruining shit for him or vice versa  
TG: yall need to communicate  
TT: I know.   
TG: sooo...  
TT: So?   
TG: are you gonna talk to him?   
TT: I... don't know if I should?   
TG: omfg  
TG: lmao  
TG: dirk what did i JUST say!!!  
TT: Sorry.   
TT: It's just,   
TT: Someone else is giving similar advice, and it's strange to hear the same things from someone who I am reasonably sure might be trying to sabotage me, and someone who I am reasonably sure is not.   
TG: hi hal   
TT: No, don't do that. He's not part of this conversation.   
TT: Look.   
TT: I just worry that maybe hearing from me isn't what he needs right now.   
TG: nah instead lets just let him drive jane into a murderous frothing rampage  
TG: here lies jake english  
TG: finally english'd himself into an early grave  
TG: RIP in peace n all that  
TG: good thing theres all these convenient burial sites just laying around  
TG: well have to give speeches  
TG: bring flowers  
TT: Okay, I see your point.   
TG: so youll talk to him  
TT: Fine.   
TG: omg dirk   
TG: its only been like a fuckin month  
TG: u boys need to handle urselves  
TT: I know. I'm working on it.   
TT: I just worry lately that this whole arrangement isn't what he wanted after all, and he's too... Jake, to tell me so outright. And I'm making him miserable.   
TG: dirk no  
TG: noooo  
TG: TALK to your god damn boyfriend and dont say any of that shit either just say somethin like  
TG: hey jake sry for dirking all over our last buddy chat and i forgive u for jakeing all over it too so lets go have makeup makeouts or some such  
TT: Roxy.   
TG: its just a suggestion ;)  
TG: a damn good one tho ;) ;)  
TG: ok im going to go talk jane down from the homicidal precipice so to speak  
TG: go forth dirk  
TG: together we can save the world  
TG: or at least our sad sorry interpersonal relationships  
TG: the world is p fucked :(  
TG: sry world  
  
\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--  


Of course, he doesn't take her advice right away. That would be the reasonable, intelligent thing to do, and Dirk is feeling pretty fucking unreasonable and downright idiotic for the moment, so he just sits in his room like a mopey piece of shit for awhile instead. His auto-responder is trying like hell to get his attention, but he's had enough meddling from all sides to suit him for awhile, so he lets his shades sit discarded and occasionally strobing points of dull, surly red. 

Why didn't he just go watch the fucking movie? 

It's absurd. There was no reason to take everything so personally.

It's just that it's seemed lately that Jake has barely been paying attention to anything he says, at all, whether its related to the game or not. Like he's bored, or wishing he was elsewhere. With the girls, maybe. Alone in the tower ruins on his planet. Or back home on his jungle island, sure. Anywhere but with him. So when he says he wants _quiet_ and _relaxation_ it's hard to interpret that as anything but _a break from you, you pushy, perpetually wound up fuck._

He desperately wants to know what Jake talked to Jane about. He also wants to apologize to Jane for setting the chain of events that led to her being roped into that conversation in the first place. But he can't bring himself to talk to her, either. Awkward. She's probably pissed off at him, too. She'd have every right to be. 

And that's shitty because he misses Jane, too. 

He is well and truly moping, now. Pathetic. 

Enough of that horseshit. He forces himself up. Roxy is right, as usual. He needs to talk to his fucking boyfriend.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] \--  
  
TT: Jake.   
TT: Are you there?   
GT: Oh hell.   
GT: Im here yes.   
TT: Is... this a bad time?   
GT: Not exactly its just i think ive been on kind of a blundering streak here today if you know what i mean.   
TT: I heard there was possibly an incident with Jane.   
GT: Yes indeed.   
TT: Also, possibly an incident with me. But that's just hearsay.   
GT: Also yes im afraid.   
TT: I'm not sure I can help you much with the former,   
TT: But I'm willing to talk about the latter if you're up for it?   
TT: It's fine if not.   
GT: Yes well we should probably have it out shouldnt we?   
GT: No need to let it all drag out.   
TT: Right. Uh, okay. So. First, I think I should apologize.   
GT: Oh.   
GT: You do?  
TT: Yeah. Nothing you said really warranted a reaction like that. So, I'm sorry about that.   
GT: I see. All right then! Apology accepted and all that. Its fine.   
GT: Maybe i should apologize too?   
TT: ...Are you asking me?   
GT: Uh no. Of course not! Friggin hell that would be so lame. No I should apologize. Im sorry too. For ah i guess giving you the wrong impression about my feelings on certain matters.  
TT: You don't need to apologize for that.   
GT: No? Well its a little late for that now and its already out there so you might as well take it.   
GT: Or um not if you prefer.   
TT: Jake.   
TT: Can you elaborate on what you mean by, "feelings on certain matters"?   
TT: Like, what matters? And what feelings. How exactly do you feel you've misled me? You can be honest.   
TT: I'd really appreciate some honesty right now, actually.   
GT: Erm yes all right. Lets see here.   
GT: Oh boy. All righty!   
TT: ...  
GT: Heres the gist of it then.   
GT: When i said i wanted some time to unwind a little i didnt mean i wanted time away from you exactly. I enjoy spending time with you dirk honestly. Youre my best bro and always have been and i always looked forward to having adventures and things with you in person somehow and now here we are! And its been great.   
TT: ...But?  
GT: Shush now dont interrupt! I need to say this all at once or im going to get it all muddled up so just hold your damn horses for a few more seconds!  
GT: I just meant every so often maybe we should do things i want to do together and maybe you could not treat it like its, uhm hmm. A waste of time i guess? Dirk sometimes i get the impression you think the things i like are silly and i need to be trained out of enjoying them or some such and ill admit thats a bummer.   
TT: I didn't mean to give you that impression.   
TT: Although I definitely see how I did.   
GT: The thing is when i imagined us together it was always us doing a whole mix of stuff if that makes sense.   
TT: Can I ask if you mean, like, together or "together," because you've been a little vague about it this entire conversation. And for the sake of being honest, it's making me a little nervous.   
GT: Oh.   
GT: I mean both.   
TT: Hm.   
GT: Its a normal thing to want isnt it? Maybe to just snuggle up to your friggin boyfriend now and then without worrying about monsters and grist hoards and untimely suffocation and really just an overall ludicrously unfair game with all its wily challenges?  
TT: Wait.   
TT: "Snuggle up?"   
GT: UM.   
TT: So, you're not wanting to call this off, then?   
GT: Call it off? Not at all!   
TT: Huh.   
GT: If anything i think id want...   
GT: Ah hell this is a bit-   
GT: Maybe i thought being involved with you or really anyone in the romantic sense would involve more romancing?   
GT: Fucking jesus criminy i cant tell if that sounds more or less forward than i intended it to. Augh! Im a disaster arent i.   
GT: You dont have to respond to that at all what a cad i am.   
TT: Jake, hold on.   
TT: I think I've possibly been an idiot.   
GT: How so?  
TT: I just assumed, I guess, that your stated preferences being what they always have been,   
TT: Maybe it wasn't a good idea to try to push things physically too soon?   
GT: I dont think i follow.   
TT: Jake. Your room was fuckin' covered in naked blue women.   
GT: Oh.   
GT: Well yes i guess thats true.   
TT: I was sort of hoping you would maybe indicate some more actual interest in that general regard, before, uh. Yeah.   
GT: I see.   
GT: The funny thing is i thought i had?  
GT: I think weve both possibly been idiots i have to say.   
GT: I hope at least this counts as an indication of interest?   
TT: I think it does.   
GT: So then...  
TT: Do you, like,   
GT: Do you want me to come over?   
TT: Fuck yes I do.   
GT: Oh thank christ.   
  
\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] \--  


Jake sets his phone down and blinks, a little bit dazed. He barely has time to ponder the ramifications of the exchange, because suddenly he has so much to do and not enough time to do it in. Should he change? No, what a stupid thought, why would he have to change, his clothes are fine and hopefully won't even be much involved in the upcoming activities anyhow -- 

He takes a deep breath. 

Paces a bit, running fingers through his hair. A bit sweaty. Eugh. 

The truth is he doesn't know the first thing about romance. Is he supposed to feel like he's overheated and possibly dying? 

No time to consider it. Oh, Christ, how is he supposed to take this trip when now it's so full of _purpose?_ He'd rather have been the one to invite Dirk _here_ , but his old room is long gone and the ruins he's set up in just to have somewhere that's wholly his own are fairly lacking in basic comforts. No bed, for one thing, just a lumpy little camper roll that had barely cost him any grist at all, and he'd rather not have his first _full_ amorous encounter take place on something so aggressively shitty.

So, no choice then. He's made this trip dozens of times; it should be easy.

But interplanetary portal travel does nothing to calm his nerves, and the knowledge that Dirk is waiting inside his apartment building most likely full of all sorts of expectations only worsens matters. He hesitates on the rooftop, again in the stairwell, drags his feet across the landing and simply stares at Dirk's door for awhile, heart fluttering. 

The door opens from the other side before he finds the courage to even knock. 

Dirk looks... normal. Jake isn't sure what he was expecting? But what he gets is just -- Dirk. Tall and wiry, all angles and sharp edges, eyes carefully hidden behind his damnable shades, and how in blue blazes does he manages to look so unsettlingly casual? True, his skin is a bit pinker, maybe, especially around the face, but he could be imagining that, and considering Jake is fairly sure his own face is blooming crimson it hardly seems like anything at all. 

"Heard you on the stairs, bro," Dirk greets him. So damnably casual. "Like, five minutes ago?" 

"Yes, well," Jake clears his throat. "Here I am?" 

He can _feel_ Dirk's eyes sweep up and down, even if he can't see them do it. It's usually a gratifying sort of feeling and right now is no different. Some of his nervousness ebbs out in lieu of the evidence that Dirk most definitely still finds him attractive, and Dirk wanting _him_ somehow makes him want _Dirk_ more -- and he already wanted Dirk quite a bit, so that's saying a lot -- and -- sweet kicking Christ, he didn't come all this way just to stand here in a stairwell and exchange appreciative looks. Jake steps forward, and Dirk's chin snaps up, eyebrows climbing with it. 

"I wasn't sure you'd actually come," Dirk says, in a quiet breathy sort of voice that sort of makes an expectant little chill roll through Jake's body. 

"Well, that's stupid," Jake says, and then he lifts his hands and slides them along either side of Dirk's pointy freckled face and pulls him in for a kiss. He forgets to tilt his head so their noses sort of bump together first and there's a plastic clicking sound as someone's glasses get pushed further up their face, but they work all of that out quickly enough and the _sound_ Dirk makes -- half grunt, half exhalation, all pleased surprise -- is more than worth a bit of awkward fumbling. Dirk's hands find Jake's hips, which is nice, especially when his fingertips creep up just under the hem of Jake's shirt and rest lightly on the bare skin beneath. 

Unfortunately, Dirk breaks things off before they can get much farther. Jake blinks up at him, a little breathless. 

"Jake," Dirk says, and it's hard to focus on his words when his hands are still so warm on his hips. 

"Yes?" 

"I'm sorry about earlier." 

Shit. That isn't what he wants to talk about, right now. He doesn't much want to _talk_ at all.

"I believe we already settled that tricky business, Strider." 

"Maybe. But I wanted to say it here, too." 

" _Dirk_." 

"Jake?" 

He takes a breath to answer, but then takes one look at Dirk's face -- his stupid, handsome face -- and reconsiders. Did he come here to talk? No. 

"Stop with all the blather and kiss me," he demands. This close he can see Dirk's eyes widen behind his shades, and that is an extremely gratifying thing to witness. Even more gratifying is the way he acquiesces without so much as another word, chin dipping, lips catching Jake's and then parting in a sort of half-request, half-invitation. Jake responds to this eagerly, tongue darting in and seeking out Dirk's. This is already much better than another hellish round of confessions and apologies. Jake slides his fingers up over the curve of Dirk's jaw and into his hair above the back of his neck, pulling him in a little tighter, and yes, this is _so_ much better than awkward conversation. 

Dirk is gripping Jake's hips hard enough to be a little painful, now, and his tongue isn't moving as much as Jake might prefer, so he leans back a bit and raises his eyebrows and asks, "Is this okay?" 

"God, yes," Dirk breathes back, and that seems to break his strange paralytic spell because suddenly Dirk is all purpose and motion. Dirk pulls Jake into the apartment and then pushes him so that his back hits the door frame, which isn't the most comfortable experience, but that doesn't matter much at all because suddenly there is no room for anything in Jake's world except Dirk's tongue, Dirk's taste, the little panting gasps Dirk is breathing into his mouth. Jake has no real idea what he's doing, but he responds as enthusiastically as he can, humming his approval when he has the breath to do so. 

All right. This is nice. Very nice, in fact. The door frame is digging into his back a bit and occasionally they both wait a bit too long to breathe and break off each other gasping, but they're getting the hang of this, establishing a rhythm. Dirk slips his hands from Jake's hips around to his backside, squeezing -- actually squeezing -- two generous handfuls, and Jake turns his face to the side and gasps out a little laugh down into Dirk's shoulder. Dirk releases his hold immediately, and oh, Christ, his cheeks _are_ turning a pretty shade of actual pink. It's outrageously endearing. It makes all his freckles stand out, and Jake wants to kiss every single one individually. 

"I think at this juncture I'd be remiss to hold copping a feel against you," Jake teases. 

"Jake," Dirk swallows, heavily, "I really don't want to do anything you aren't comfortable with." 

"You are so damn _serious_ all the time!" Jake reaches down, emboldened by a sudden flash of irritation, and grabs a few handfuls of his own. Dirk _jumps_ , honest to god jumps, but he doesn't pull away. "Please tell me that if we're going to do this, you're going to at least enjoy it?" 

"What's 'this,' exactly?" 

Jake groans and presses his forehead to Dirk's. "Whatever we want it to be! Good fucking gravy, Strider, do we have to plan it all out for you to be happy? Do you need a friggin map?" 

Dirk flinches away at that, but Jake holds him in place, insistent. Presses another kiss against his lips. 

"If I want to stop, I'll tell you so. And I hope the same is true for you?" 

Dirk hesitates, then nods. 

"Then what's the worry, here?" 

"I don't know," Dirk says. His brows knit together. "I don't have a fucking clue. Maybe I'm just still sort of reeling at the concept that you're actually into me this way at all? I can't process it. I was so sure you were just humoring me, and now we're here, doing this, and I -- _fuck_ , Jake, do you have any idea how long I've _wanted_ this, all while being so fucking sure I never actually had a chance?" 

"Dirk," Jake says, plaintively, squeezing his shoulders. "I am _begging_ you. Stop overthinking this so damn much and just _kiss me._ " 

Dirk's lips twitch up, just a moment, and then he reaches forward and grabs Jake by the belt loops, tugging him forward. "Right here? Or do you want to move this somewhere more comfortable?" 

"Like where?"

Dirk shrugs. "I don't know, man. Like, my bedroom, maybe?" 

"Oh, right." Jake's heart kickstarts itself into a full messy gallop, and he nods so enthusiastically he almost loses his glasses right off his face. "Bedroom sounds nice," he gets out in a too-high but hopefully sufficient tone, and apparently it's enough because Dirk turns and leads him across the little apartment, one hand still tugging Jake along by the belt loops. It's suggestive as hell and the temperature in the place has risen at least a hundred degrees, Jake is fairly sure, judging by the way he's suddenly sweat-damp just about everywhere and his cheeks are throbbing in time with his heartbeat. And speaking of throbbing, certain other parts of him are already taking interest in the proceedings, too. He's half hard in his shorts already with Dirk's fingers inches away from the evidence, and -- oh, smoking shitstacks, the way Dirk pulls him into his room and the bed is already unmade like they've already had a roll in it -- it's too much.

Half-hard turns into all systems go, so to speak, just in time for Dirk to turn back around and press flush against him, completely removing any ambiguity from the situation. On Jake's part, at least. It's a bit embarrassing, but that's quickly flushed out by how friggin nice it feels to have his parts pressed into Dirk, and it only gets nicer when he rolls his hips up a few times, breathing hard. A needy little noise slips out and suddenly Dirk's mouth is back against his, lips warm and still a little wet from their previous exertions. Jake slides his hands up under Dirk's shirt, running his palms flat along his sides and around his back, fingers creeping up to rub little lines under his sharp shoulder blades. 

There are far too many layers of clothes between them, Jake decides. He slides his hands back down and pushes up at the hem of Dirk's shirt, trying to lift it while still somehow keeping their mouths pressed firmly together. This results in the thing bunching up uncomfortably between them, and Dirk laughs into his mouth and pulls back, and for a moment Jake is afraid he's going to start talking again. Something like _Oh, I just don't know, Jake, somehow the fact that you are actively attempting to divest me of my clothing while simultaneously sucking on my tongue hasn't convinced me that you really friggin want to jump my bones, right now._

But Dirk doesn't talk. Instead, he takes off his shirt. 

Jake exhales loudly and makes an appreciative sound, sweeping his eyes over all the suddenly exposed skin. Dirk is thinner than he is, his muscles more wiry, and he's even paler than usual under his clothes. His shoulders and chest are all freckle-dusted, too, and -- and suddenly Jake hates the fact that Dirk can clearly see where _his_ eyes are roaming and he hasn't the slightest clue what Dirk's are doing behind his shades. So he steps up, puts one hand on one of Dirk's gloriously bare shoulders and uses the other to pluck the shades right off his face. 

"Hey, what the fuck--" Dirk starts, reaching after them. 

"You're not really going to make me do this without being able to see your eyes," Jake says, incredulous, holding them out of reach. 

Dirk goes a bit tense against him, but he drops his arm. His eyes are wide and Jake drinks in their color and expressiveness, reveling in the ability to know exactly where Dirk is looking. For the moment, that's right at him. "I guess not," he says, and his eyes flicker to the shades Jake is still holding and back again. "Just be careful with them, okay?" 

It's a little annoying that Dirk is so concerned over presumably the fate of his auto-responder, because that's the only thing there that probably isn't replaceable with clever use of an alchemiter. The AR is frustrating and snarky and sometimes downright nasty, constantly interrupting their communications, probably _watching them right now--_ Jake presses his lips together and folds the glasses in a hurry, dropping them in the nearest drawer. He doesn't need to be _watched_ while they do this. 

The point is the thing has really caused them nothing but grief, but Dirk still keeps on with it no matter how insufferable it gets. 

"Jake?" Dirk prompts, softly, snapping him out of his reverie. He looks nervous. Jake pushes the sudden tide of negative feelings away and focuses on how nice it is to be able to see Dirk's eyes. They're such a striking shade. 

"Right," Jake breathes. "Back to it, then?" He leans in and kisses along the line of Dirk's jaw. 

"Whatever you want," Dirk says, which is somehow simultaneously arousing _and_ irritating, because he wishes Dirk would stop denying whatever it is _he_ wants because even now he thinks Jake doesn't want the same or at least similar things. Jake focuses on the former thing and presses a wet, sloppy kiss behind Dirk's earlobe, liking the way that Dirk's breath is all fast and shallow, now. Jake keeps it going, kissing down the side of Dirk's neck, and the way Dirk tilts his chin up to give him better access is pretty pleasing, and so is the way he can feel Dirk's pulse thrumming fast beneath his lips. 

God, his cock is _aching._ He sways his hips forward to at least get some pressure, there, and Dirk meets that gesture enthusiastically enough that Jake can tell that he's similarly affected. Good. Lovely. Perfect! He needs more. He reaches down between them and pops the button on Dirk's pants, accompanying the gesture with a questioning look. Dirk clenches his jaw, which makes the cords in his neck stand out in an extremely distracting way, and nods. Jake unzips him and reaches enthusiastically in, and his first thought is _oh mercy I think he's bigger than me_ followed immediately by _holy hell's fucking bells I have my hands on Dirk's pecker._

He draws it out, because if he's come this far he's going to get a good look, too, and gives it a few strokes, which Dirk responds to by groaning softly. "Fuck, Jake," he mutters, and then he's tugging off his gloves and cradling Jake's face against his bare palms, kissing him messily between panted exclamations. Jake goes on working him with his hand, a little clumsily since the angle is strange, but Dirk doesn't seem to mind. "Yeah, oh, fuck yes," Dirk murmurs, breath hot against Jake's ear. 

"Dirk," Jake says, voice breathy and uneven. "I need -- ah, that is, if you could, _thunderations_ Dirk I just want a little --" 

"Yeah," Dirk exhales, grabbing Jake's hands, interrupting everything, which is just about exactly the opposite of what Jake actually wanted. He makes a frustrated noise, but Dirk slides his hands up Jake's arms and then down his sides, and suddenly he's pulling Jake's shirt up over his back. That seems fair, so Jake helps shrug it off. Dirk wastes absolutely no time going for his belt, next, unbuckling the thing with uncanny deftness and working his shorts open, next. 

"Yes," Jake gasps when Dirk draws him out and grips him tight. "Dirk, yes, that's right." He's babbling, but Dirk seems to like it, and it just feels so good to finally be _touched._ His hips snap greedily forward with every stroke and he's completely forgotten about pleasuring Dirk in the wash of sensation -- not that Dirk seems to mind very much. Jake drags his eyes off watching what's happening below to sweep over Dirk's face, and what he sees there is almost even more affecting. Dirk's brows are pulled together, he's biting his lip, he's fully and completely focused on pleasuring Jake, and his gaze is almost searing in its intensity. Heat pools in Jake's nether regions and he outright moans. 

"Fuck," Dirk says. "All right. Come over here." His fingers move from Jake's crotch to grip his wrist, instead, which is overall much less fun and satisfying, but before Jake can protest Dirk is pulling him toward the bed, which, okay. That's acceptable. That is a fully encouraged turn of events. Jake allows himself to be maneuvered around onto the mattress and somewhere between falling onto it and Dirk crawling over him, Dirk manages to slide Jake's shorts and underthings off to his ankles. Jake kicks them off the rest of the way and notices Dirk has already done the same with his pants. All right, then. Good.

They press together. Dirk straddles his hips, knees digging into the mattress on either side of him, and kisses him deeply, relentlessly. They are both gasping for air by the time Dirk pulls his face back up. Jake twitches his hips beneath him, wanting so badly to go back to that more intimate sort of groping. 

"I want to do something," Dirk announces, voice low and rough. 

"I hope it has to do with you touching me, again, because holy hot damn that sure was _something._ " 

"Kind of," Dirk says, dipping to press a long, wet, languid kiss into the dip between Jake's shoulder and jaw. Jake shivers beneath him, running his hands up Dirk's back. "I mean, I'd definitely be touching you. Just, kind of," he shimmies down a bit and kisses down Jake's collarbones. "Like this." He runs his tongue over the hollow of Jake's throat. 

Jake thinks he understands his meaning, and just thinking about it sets him on fire. 

"Sweet jumping jehosaphat, Dirk, _yes,_ " he moans, and Dirk actually chuckles against his skin, low and sweet. Jake threads his fingers in Dirk's hair, carding mindlessly through it while Dirk kisses his way down his chest. It's sticking every which way now, which would most likely irritate the piss out of him if he could only see it. Luckily for the moment he seems singularly focused on far more important things, such as pressing kisses against the crease of Jake's thighs and running his tongue in teasing circles just about everywhere _except_ the place Jake wants it most. It's maddening. Jake actually pulls on his hair a bit, trying to forcefully maneuver his mouth. 

Dirk bites him. Not hard; just a pinch, really, right on the meat of his thigh, but Jake lets out a startled little yelp and lets go of Dirk's hair. 

"Jesus Christmas!" he gasps. 

"You pull and I'll bite," Dirk warns him, which, all right, but before Jake can respond, Dirk grips him hard at the base of his cock and slides his mouth over the top, and it's hot and wet and all around jolly fucking _delightful._ Jake moans in what would be embarrassingly pornographic fashion if only he were aware enough for things like self consciousness to register. He tilts his head back and twists his fingers back into Dirk's hair -- careful not to pull -- and moans again. Dirk answers this one with a choked little groan of his own, taking more of him in, working him with his fingers and tongue, and it's so damn good all Jake can do for a little while is drag his fingers back and forth over Dirk's scalp and watch open-mouthed as Dirk's lips slide up and down his shaft. Dirk's wide, lovely, frighteningly intense orange eyes flicker up occasionally to meet Jake's, and when that happens Jake tries his best to nod and be otherwise encouraging. It seems to be enough, because Dirk doesn't stop -- if anything, his rhythmic bobbing only becomes more enthusiastic. Jake's hips twitch up almost of their own accord, blood pounding in his ears, and it's so tempting to just collapse back into the pillows and let Dirk finish him off this way. It wouldn't take long. 

He lets himself get close; close enough that he almost can't bring himself to choke out a warning. "Dirk," he pants, "I really can't take much more." This seems to have the opposite of the intended effect; Dirk moans an acknowledgement and slides his mouth up to focus fully on his most sensitive parts, tongue swirling enthusiastically. "No, _Strider_ , shit, stop!" Jake does pull his hair, then, in a desperate bid to get his mouth off him before he ends the festivities early. 

Dirk makes a surprised little grunting sound and pulls up, brows knitting. "Jake, what the fuck?"

"Sorry!" Jake sits up, still breathing hard. His cock is actually twitching in the open air. "I just, I didn't want to -- ah, fuck, Dirk, I didn't want that to be _it_ , there's still so much I want to try!" 

Dirk blinks down at him, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. 

"Like... what?" He asks, carefully. 

"Like -- well." Jake realizes he has no idea how far Dirk _actually_ wanted to take this, tonight, and is suddenly nervous all over again. "As nice as that was, and believe me it was _very_ nice, there's... more we could be doing? I could be doing. To you, specifically." His face is suddenly almost painfully hot. The last thing he wants to do is overstep his bounds, but surely...? 

"What, exactly, do you want to... do to me, Jake?" The way Dirk says this, it's hard to tell if it's an earnest inquiry or just his way of teasing when he already knows. Jake exhales, noisily. 

"Everything?" he suggests, tremulously. 

Dirk blinks, and his eyes honest to god unfocus for a second, like he's gone completely elsewhere. Then he's leaning down and pressing their bodies flush together and his lips up against Jake's ear, and sweet mother's mercy Jake can _feel_ their parts sliding together, down there. "I guess I should be more specific," Dirk says, murmured directly into his ear. "What I'm asking you, Jake, is whether you want to suck me off or fuck me, tonight." 

Jake sucks in a deep breath, wrapping his arms around Dirk's shoulders. Sweet kicking Christ, how does he respond to _that?_ "The, er," he stutters out, "The latter thing, I think." All right. Dirk is better with the whole bedroom talk thing than him. Not really surprising, but...

"You think?" God, the way Dirk sounds -- it's almost more affecting than the actual words he's saying. 

"I'm sure," Jake pants. "I'm very sure." 

Dirk responds by kissing down from his earlobe to his chin. He lifts his head from there and just _looks_ at him, and, God, he's so -- handsome, intense, _Dirk._

"All right, Jake," he says, staring down at him. "Fuck me." 

Jake swallows. He has no idea exactly how to do that, especially from this angle, but certain parts of him are absolutely throbbing with want and like hell if he's going to disappoint them. Or Dirk. "Sure thing," he says, weakly. He puts his hands on Dirk's shoulders. Dirk hasn't moved one bit. Jake wriggles a bit beneath him. 

"Come on," Dirk says, softly. 

"I'm _trying_ , but--" 

"Tell me what you need." 

"I need you to _move._ " 

"Move how?" 

Jake groans. Is he serious? 

"Dirk, for flipping frig's sake!" He _shoves_ him up and over by the shoulders, sitting up beneath him. "Move _over._ " 

"Over where?" Dirk is practically smirking, eyebrows up, and he is most _definitely_ teasing, now, so Jake pulls his face into a determined glare, hooks his arms over Dirk's shoulders and his legs behind Dirk's knees, and flips them forcibly over. Dirk doesn't fight him, thank Christ, and when they're properly situated in their new position Dirk yanks him down and kisses him again, hard. "This work for you?" he asks when they pull away for air. 

God, yes. 

"Better, at least," Jake says. Except, now he has no idea what to do, again. Dirk seems to expect him to take the lead, here, and while theoretically that sounds doable -- he knows pretty well what he'd like the end result of this whole exercise to be, after all -- he's sure there are some steps he isn't thinking of between there and where they are now and Dirk probably knows all of them better than he does. He's blushing, again, staring down into Dirk's expectant face. What next? He should probably touch him. Hard to go wrong with touching. 

So he does. Jake reaches down between them and wraps his fingers around Dirk's cock and gives him a little stroke. He's pleased to see Dirk's head tilt back, to hear the little murmured encouragements he makes. But from here? His hand slows its pace somewhat. He bites his lip. Dirk's eyes flutter open and study him. 

"Jake," he says. 

"I have no idea what I'm doing," Jake blurts out, hand stilling on Dirk's cock. "Dirk, I -- I want this to be right. I want this to be _good._ For both of us! So--" 

"Hey," Dirk grabs his wrist. "Chill." 

"Yes, you say that, but you're not the one suddenly expected to have all this sorted out!" 

"I don't expect anything from you," Dirk says, a little flash of -- something, playing over his face. Hurt? Annoyance? "I just wanted to give you the chance to do whatever you wanted, without me directing everything like some needy, demanding douche." Jake is sort of deeply regretting not letting Dirk finish him off with his mouth earlier, because his nerves are playing havoc with his arousal and if he doesn't even get to come after all of this it is going to be _extremely_ disappointing. He could have been done and finished Dirk off with his hands or maybe his own mouth, by now, and they could be cuddled up together under the blankets breathing quietly... 

He inhales, slowly. 

"I want to make you feel good," he says. "Show me how." 

"All right. Like this." Dirk lifts his hips and pulls Jake's hand against his bare ass by the wrist. "Touch me," he says, releasing his grip. "You'll want -- from there, that --" he mutters a vehement little string of courses and wriggles back and over so he can reach into one of his bedside drawers. "This." He pulls something out, tosses it to him. 

"What the blue fucking blazes is this?" 

Dirk chokes out a little laugh. "Something you're going to use a lot of, if you actually want a piece of my ass, English." 

Jake narrows his eyes and examines the bottle, twists off the cap, examines the _contents_ , and then his eyes go very wide as it dawns on him suddenly and all at once what it's for. Also, that the damn thing is only about half full, which means Dirk has definitely used this before, which means -- well, good _Christ._ His cock takes a fully renewed interest in the proceedings, stiffening into an almost painful state of arousal as Jake turns the possibilities over in his head. Talk about frigging _adventurous._

"What's that?" Dirk says, and Jake flushes crimson up to the roots of his hair. He hadn't realized he'd said anything aloud. 

"Nothing," he stutters, fumbling with the bottle. "Good grief, nothing, nothing at all, just, let me -- here." 

The stuff is cold and slimy and a bit unappealing, to be perfectly honest, but Jake is generous with the stuff anyhow, coating his fingers and -- deep breath -- Dirk's entrance, so to speak. Dirk's hips jerk up a bit when Jake finally touches him, and he directs him with little encouraging murmurs and touches of his own. The first finger is the most difficult; mostly because Jake is suddenly terrified he's going to hurt him and the whole thing is going to go to hell, but Dirk lifts his hips and spreads his legs and assures him that he's ready, so Jake pushes in and crooks his finger and sort of wiggles a bit -- it's tight, but Dirk doesn't seem like he's in any pain. In fact, quite the opposite. Fingers two and three join the rest in short order, and when the third goes in Dirk lets out this sort of gasping little groan. Jake's cock twitches desperately. 

This might actually turn out to be pretty good, after all, he thinks, moving his fingers in and out in a motion remarkably similar to what his hips are trying to instinctively do to ease the desperate _want_ throbbing all through his groin. Dirk grunts at this, eyes squeezed shut, and God, he's gorgeous. Jake wants so badly to climb over him and thrust into him and make him fall completely apart. 

"All right," Dirk gasps, after enduring this motion for a bit. "Come on. Jake. I'm ready." 

Jake withdraws his fingers, wiping them on the sheets before reaching for the bottle, again. Dirk watches him with a perfectly unreadable expression as he gives his straining cock the treatment his fingers just got, then tosses the bottle aside. 

"Do you --" Dirk starts, then stops, teeth worrying his bottom lip. 

"Dirk, if you have something to say, now is pretty much the frigging time -- do you want this, or...?" 

" _Yes_ , I want this, God, Jake, I want this more than you can possibly fucking know." 

Oh. Well, that's gratifying, Jake thinks, faintly. 

"I just was going to ask, do you want it like this? I can turn around. It might be easier, if..." 

"No," Jake says, immediately. Dirk blinks up at him in mute surprise. "I want it this way," Jake says, quieter.

"All right," Dirk says, a little fainter than usual.

"I want to see your face," Jake clarifies, and Dirk slides his eyes shut again. Jake can see this throat move when he swallows. 

"Fuck," Dirk mutters. His eyes blink open. "You got it. Whatever you want. Just -- god." He lifts his hips, just a fraction. "Fuck me." 

Jake is more than happy to oblige to _that._ He slides over Dirk and guides his cock up against him, and distantly he thinks about how strange it is that he's about to have his first time with _Dirk_ , and how movies never really prepare you for the reality of a situation, and -- damn it, why isn't this working? He has to focus. It's difficult, at first, and he thinks he might actually be hurting Dirk and is about to stop and call the whole thing off just before he finally manages to press in. 

They _both_ make embarrassing sounds -- Jake hopes Dirk is moaning with pleasure, and not something else. He isn't stupid; he takes it slow in the beginning, watching Dirk's face for signs of obvious discomfort as he sinks in, slowly, slowly. Dirk's breathing is deep and even, his eyes still closed, his fingers fisted in the sheets above his head. He feels amazing around Jake's cock. Tight and hot and squeezing, the physical pleasure coupled with the sight of Dirk splayed out before him, desperate and panting, it's all almost too much. Jake moans quietly, burying himself in him.

When he's in it to the hilt he pauses, hips flush against Dirk's, and bends him enough to lean down and press a kiss down against Dirk's tight-lipped mouth. Dirk's eyes flutter back open. Jake gives him an encouraging grin. 

"You all right, there?" he asks, a little tremulously. It's so hard to take this slow. His body is begging him to just _go._

"Yeah," Dirk gasps back. "Yeah, I'm... shit, Jake. I'm so fucking good, right now." Dirk takes a deep breath, lets it out. "You feel so fucking good." 

"Can I, erm, move, or..." 

"Do it," Dirk says. 

So he does. Jake pulls back out, still studying Dirk's face, and then slides in again, faster than before. Still not as fast as he _wants_ , and damnation, why does pleasure have to look so much like pain when it's written all over someone's face? He isn't great at knowing what Dirk's expressions all mean even when he's fully focused on it, and right now half his attention is definitely elsewhere -- this feels so good. He moves his hips. So good. Back and forth. So -- damned -- _good._

"Fuck yeah it does," Dirk gasps, and once again, Jake hadn't realized he'd said anything aloud. 

But the positive feedback is nice. So is the way Dirk reaches up with one hand and slides his palm along Jake's now considerably sweat-damped shoulder, and then up, fingers dragging up along back of his neck. Jake quickens his pace, and Dirk's fingers tighten painfully in his hair, but that's all right, in fact it's kind of more than all right, it's downright good -- and so too is the way Dirk is gasping with every thrust, now, like Jake is pushing each breathless exhalation physically out of him. Christ, even the bed is creaking, now, and Jake lifts himself up because he thinks he can get a little deeper with a better angle and oh, shit, _yes._

Dirk hooks his other arm around the back of his own bent legs between them, and Jake drags his eyes from Dirk's gasping, panting mouth down to his cock and watches him stroke himself in rhythm. It pushes him right over some internal edge, from _I could just do this forever until I die_ to _oh flaming fuckballs this is it, this is it, this is all I've got._ He lets out a messy little moan and gets a hard grip on Dirk's shoulders from beneath, hips snapping hard enough to make perfect, obscene skin-on-skin sounds. "Dirk," he chokes out, desperate. "Sorry, I can't-- I need--" 

"Just fucking do it," Dirk grates out. He's moving beneath him, too, fingers still slicking over his own cock. "Just, fuck, _Jake._ Whatever you -- _do it._ " 

So, again, he does. He pulls Dirk half up by the shoulders and lets probably a whole lot of nonsense jargon fall out of his mouth, he's not really paying attention to that, all he cares about is the way Dirk feels, so tight around him, the sounds they're making as they slap together, the sounds _Dirk_ is making, those sounds are best of all. Jake is pretty sure he shouts Dirk's name when he comes, but honestly, all he can recall after is the hot wash of pleasure and the jolt of pain from where Dirk is possibly pulling his hair out by the roots. 

When it's over, he finds his face pressed into Dirk's neck. He murmurs some soft nonsense into the skin there, and oh, lord, he can feel Dirk's hand still working himself down there between them, hear his moans, _feel_ the vibrations they make in his throat. Jake kisses him there, tastes sweat, holds him while he finishes himself off, Jake's name on his lips. 

Dirk collapses beneath him, breathing hard. Jake is fairly sure his stomach is probably covered in his spunk, now, but they can deal with that later. For now, he just wants to lay here like this, listening to their hearts gradually slow down, breathing together. 

Dirk, of course, wants to talk. 

"Holy fuck, Jake," he says. 

Jake says nothing; his eyes are closed, he's busy pressing little kisses into Dirk's neck. Where the sam hill are his glasses? He doesn't remember taking them off. God, they are fairly disgusting, right now, aren't they? All covered in sweat and... other fluids, and he wonders idly if Dirk would shower with him. He's protective of those showers he has, so who knows. 

"Jake," Dirk repeats, and this time he sounds less satisfied and more nervous, and Jake mutters a little oath and sits up. He spots his glasses up near the pillows and feels a little pang of relief. It'd be a right pain to alchemize another pair of _those._ Dirk is blinking up at him, looking positively anxious. 

"That was all right for you, then, I take it?" Jake makes himself grin, as reassuringly as possible. 

"God, yes." Dirk studies his face. Jake tilts his head. He can _see_ him overthinking everything. Smoke is practically pouring out of his ears while all the gears in his head work overtime. "Was it... uh. Are you, like." Dirk takes a breath, lets it out noisily. "Are we still cool?" 

It is completely maddening the way Dirk has to spoil what was honestly a very nice, quiet moment between them with his flabbergasting insecurity, but Jake pushes all of that away. Now isn't the time. " _Yes,_ Dirk," he says instead, and maybe he doesn't keep all of his irritation out, but hell, so what, he's far from perfect. Dirk frowns. Jake kisses him. 

That seems to go over better than his words did. 

They break away, and Dirk looks a little more like himself. "Cool," he says, softly. 

The mood is sort of spoiled, now, and Jake is uncomfortably aware of how overall _sticky_ he feels. He pulls away and raises his eyebrows. "As much as I'd like to lay here in our own filth forever, I was thinking maybe a shower might be nice?" 

"Right," Dirk says. "That's fine. Go ahead." 

Jake is about to suggest they go together, but something about Dirk's expression stops him. Dirk probably wouldn't just let it be the practical-yet-fun activity Jake is imagining. In fact, he'd probably want to spend the whole time _talking_ , and suddenly Jake just feels exhausted. If they go separately, he thinks, that's some time he could have _alone_ , recovering in his own way, without any obligations or expectations... 

He nods. Separately, then. 

"Thanks, chum," he smiles, and Dirk at least smiles back, raising one hand to give him a truly silly thumbs-up. But that's just Dirk. _And he calls me a nerd,_ Jake thinks fondly, collecting his clothes.

* * *

Dirk lays back and just breathes, for a bit, listening to the shower run. It's soothing, in a way. At least he didn't immediately flee the apartment entirely. For a second, he'd been sure that was about to happen -- Jake would gather his clothes and stammer some apologies and just go, possibly never to be seen again. 

Dirk wouldn't have blamed him. 

"God," he says, apparently to himself because no one else is fucking listening, "You're pathetic." 

He's laying in bed, naked and exhausted, ass pleasantly sore with his own fucking jizz drying on his chest, and he _still_ can't stop wondering if maybe Jake is just humoring him. Fuck. What had that meant, to him? Not that it had to mean anything. If it was just for physical release, fine, sure, Dirk would gladly give him that every day of the week, but -- _had_ it meant something? 

It meant something to him. Something that makes his heart stutter erratically and warmth thread all through his middle. 

He knows he shouldn't, but he can't help himself. He reaches over and retrieves his shades from the drawer Jake rightfully closed them in, because god forbid he should let himself feel a pleasant emotion without punishing himself for it, right? 

Roxy's been messaging him again. He keeps that minimized; he's not ready for that. Still nothing from Jane. That puts a little dread in him. He really needs to talk to her, but that's not why he's here, either.

TT: Congratulations.   


That's all there is. Dirk frowns.

TT: That's it?   
TT: You were expecting more?   
TT: Uh, yeah. Actually.  
TT: Are you disappointed?   
TT: No.   
TT: Are we talking about me, or Jake?  
TT: Ah. There it is.  
TT: It's a legitimate question. The questions and answers could apply to either fairly fuckin' equally, you have to admit.   
TT: I knew you'd have some shitty comment to make. Thanks for being so predictable, as always.   
TT: It seems unfair to be expected to act differently than you might predict, considering we are literally the same person, Dirk.   
TT: That said, I wasn't trying to be shitty.   
TT: Really.  
TT: I know you want to talk about it.   
TT: Not with you.   
TT: Then why are you here?   


Dirk grimaces. What a fantastic fucking question. He grits his teeth.

TT: If you're curious, and I know you are, I did run some calculations. You know, simulations. Likely scenarios, all that shit.   
TT: What else was I going to do, waiting for you to come back? Knowing what was going on.   
TT: I figured you'd want some data sooner than later.  
TT: See? I'm a helper, Dirk.   
TT: Calculations.   
TT: Sure.   
TT: I have access to everything Jake has ever said to you, after all. Given that pool of not insubstantial but still trivial to sort through data it was easy to cross reference it with various textbook theories about psychology and human sexuality. Do you want to hear my conclusions?  
TT: No.   
TT: Are you sure? It's interesting. And relevant to your current slew of embarrassing insecurities.   
TT: Absolutely not. I don't need you to psychoanalyze my fucking boyfriend for me.   
TT: Whatever you found, it doesn't matter.   
TT: That just happened.   
TT: And you know what?   
TT: It was fantastic. It was everything I wanted it to be.   
TT: I see.   
TT: Again,   
TT: Congratulations. 

There's a moment where Dirk thinks that's all; he's about to minimize the window, take the fucking glasses off before Jake comes back and sees him gossiping with his fucking auto-responder about him. Pathetic.

TT: But you should know, your shitty natural instincts after this are going to be to smother him.   
TT: Moreso than you were already, I mean.   
TT: It's going to get bad.  
TT: Shit, I'm embarrassed just thinking about it, and I'm a fuckin' machine based off a version of you that had considerably less shame.   


Fuck it. The shower is still running, he has time.

TT: I said I didn't want your analysis.   
TT: I know. I'm respecting that. This isn't about Jake. It's about you.  
TT: You're already making more room for him in that woefully underpowered meatbag you keep all your thoughts in.   
TT: He's slept with you, so now you assume he'll just sleep with you. Every night. Wake up next to you. That he'll suddenly crave all that fleshy contact you've wanted all along, all the time. Things will be different now, right?  
TT: I'm not talking about sex, by the way. Although you're thinking about how you can make that happen again as soon as possible, too.   
TT: Just little things.   
TT: Maybe he'll hold your hand more often.   
TT: Initiate a little more than the odd bro bump now and then.   
TT: Right, Dirk?   
TT: I'm not a child.   
TT: I didn't say that.   
TT: But you know what? You are.   
TT: You're not denying it.   
TT: You're wrong. There. Denial secured.   
TT: Maybe he'll love you, now.   
TT: Fuck you.   
TT: I could tell you the answer, but don't worry. I'll respect your predictable request to remain ignorant.   
TT: It would probably just fast track the inevitable, anyway.   
TT: And it is inevitable.   
TT: Believe me on that.   
TT: Again,  
TT: Fuck you.   


Dirk yanks off his shades, tosses them off. His heart is racing again. What a fucking mistake creating him was. Let alone talking to him, what the fuck is wrong with him? 

The shower's stopped. He can't relax. He lays back. Runs his fingers through his hair. Rubs his eyes. 

Breathes.

Jake pokes his head in from the hall. His hair is wet, glasses comically fogged over. Dirk's heart thumps painfully in his chest.

"Everything all right, there?" he asks, brows raised. 

"Yeah," Dirk says. Forces himself to smile. "Everything is great. Just fuckin' perfect."

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr [@landofsomethingsomething](http://landofsomethingsomething.tumblr.com)!


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